I was born in South Africa during the apartheid era and taught to hate everyone that was not white. I was the third eldest of six children where alcoholism, sexual, verbal, and physical abuse were part of everyday life. With all that going on at home, I learned how to manipulate people or situations to benefit me at a young age. I became a very deceitful young girl who could disassociate herself from pretty much anything if or when I chose it.

At the age of 18, I graduated year 12 and started working at the South African Revenue Service, and two weeks later found out I was pregnant. Back then, it was the right thing to get married, and I got married. I didn’t know who I was, so I took on my mothers identity and behaviours because that is what I thought a wife and mother was like. I gave birth to my son when I was 21, and my 3 years of marriage up until then was pretty much the same as when I was growing up, with the only difference being I was the mother and wife.

The hatred that I felt was expressed not only to the non-whites in South Africa but also towards my husband and my children because I did not know how to show love and compassion towards anyone, especially not myself.

We decided that we would immigrate to Australia so that our children could have a future that we could not see for them in South Africa. It took us seven years before our visa got accepted to come into Australia. In 2000 I left my whole family to start a new life here with my husband and children.

After a year in Australia, I realised that women actually had a voice and could speak up for themselves, unlike the South African culture. The lies, manipulation, deceit and compromise became more rampant in both work and home as I lived a double life. I eventually left my husband at the age of 35, which left a massive hole in my identity. From the age of 18 I was a mother and a wife, not knowing who I truly was, and now with 2 teenage kids and no husband, I was on the journey of finding out who I was.

At the age of 35 I started finding solace in drugs, men and work. Work consisted of 9-5 jobs and then dealing drugs that did not help my addiction or trauma that came with some of the despicable things people did to me. I was a functioning addict for 10 years until living a double life caught up with me, and I lost contact with my children and grandchildren due to my addiction to ice, sex and gambling. I found myself in hospital with acute renal failure because of the excessive use of needles and not hydrating myself.

I called Transformations Program Australia on 19th December 2016 to see if I could get some counselling, and on the 23rd December, I came in to do the rehabilitation program. Doing the Transformations Program was my saving grace as it helped me realise that I was not those behaviours, and I changed them. I have learned to be compassionate towards people, and God has shown me that I have a purpose. I have a relationship now with my children and work for Transformations Program Australia in Hervey Bay.

I am a much happier and fulfilled person now. I enjoy my life and being a grandparent as well as being apart of meaningful work that helps other people find freedom.