My name is Lucas, and I used to hate my life. Growing up in Melbourne as a middle child, I always felt out of place and lost, as though there was a great fog in my head, a ‘nothingness’ that stretched forever. I could not think clearly or process emotions which led me down a path of fear and confusion. I could never understand what was wrong with me. I didn’t make friends easily and found it incredibly hard to communicate with people, and although I felt more comfortable being alone, I was very lonely and empty. I was jealous of my brothers who could have friends and communicate healthily.

I was very angry about my life and who I was, but I could not figure out a way to express this. It came out in rebellion, lies, envy and negative emotions and behaviours.

I left school at 14 because I found it incredibly hard to learn in a classroom environment as my mind would wander. I would be in trouble all the time and hanging out with the wrong sorts, who just used me. I would lie, steal and cheat, yet I was a very quiet person. “We don’t know what’s wrong with him”, my parents would say. They were not very well off and couldn’t afford to send me to see psychologists or therapists.

After leaving school, I was able to find work and started earning money. I’d never had a good relationship with my parents. They tried to intervene, but I had more important things on my mind, like alcohol and marijuana. I discovered these two stimulants took away my anxiety and emotions that I couldn’t express even though they would quickly come back when the effects wore off. In my mind, it seemed like I had found a solution. I could be a person who was able to talk and have friends. Steadily my addiction grew as I got introduced to faster, better, more potent substances. I would function best on drugs, but off drugs, I was just an angry person with no reason to live.

My addiction took me many places as I moved from house to house, job to job, unable to see why so many people had problems with me. Eventually, I found myself on the streets of Melbourne as a homeless person for three years. During this time, I experienced a loss as I had never felt before. I was an unwanted person not capable of loving or being loved. Many people used me, bashed me, and I found myself in many dangerous situations.

I only had one friend left at this point. He had turned away from smoking and drinking and was a Christian. With his help, he took me to church and introduced me to the Transformations program. Initially, I hated the place. It was strange to have all these fellow drug addicts walking around handing pieces of paper to each other to confront dysfunctional behaviour. Lame and pitiful. I thought I was better than that, so after two weeks, I left and less than one week later, I was back in full swing of my addictions. In control is what I called it.

My transformations journey took me across four campuses’. I was confronted with my problems as my behaviours were brought to the surface. I couldn’t handle it, and each time I thought I had it made, I would leave and relapse and then try another campus, too ashamed to return to the campus I left. In 2018 I fractured both my heels and knew that God was saying that it’s time to stop running and face my problems. Darkness and destruction had fueled my existence for so long. I was never in control, I was not myself, I didn’t know who I was, and I had no purpose.

Transformations teaches people about who they are and why we are the way we are. It’s extremely confronting. It took me three years to complete this program. I’m here at the end of my journey and the start of a new life. I currently work in the Transformations office. My life is transformed because there are many people here who trust in the process. I never thought I would amount to much. Having people who are interested in me and what I can do is still amazing to me.

Now I feel loved and wanted, and I can love others. Life still has its problems, but I don’t need drugs to solve them.