My Name is Sharni. I was raised with my younger brother by our mother as my parents divorced when I was five years old. I could tell you where we were all sitting, what time of day it was, what furniture was in the room, who’s lap I was sitting on, and the smell the leather couches gave when I cried into them on the day they explained that dad was moving out.
I had been sexually abused since I was four and almost raped just before my 12th birthday by someone I knew. To cope with the trauma, I started self-mutilating/cutting at 12 and dabbling in prescribed meds. I was struggling with an addiction to panadeine forte, codeine and morphine by the age of 15 due to a series of head operations and scalp expanders and by 20 I was hooked on self-harming daily, MDMA, weed and alcohol. At 21, I made the mistake of taking up my then partners offer of methamphetamine and by 26 I was a raging alcoholic. My addictions landed me in the same spot; to a life of crime, a life of addiction and a life of heartbreak. I lost my child, gave another child up for adoption, lost my house, my family, friends, and my mental state not once, not twice but three times.
Every time I gave the drugs up, I just couldn’t stay clean. I knew that I needed help.
The big traumas early on in life set me up for addiction as I could not deal with the emotions or process the abuse that had happened to me. The cycle that addiction created for me coupled with abusive relationships sent me into a downward spiral of self-hate, self-harm, fear of failure, fear of not being loved, guilt, shame and fear of loneliness. The only thing that gave me a handhold or foothold in the downwards spiral and constant anxiety was drugs, alcohol and self-mutilation.
Christmas 2018 was my wake-up point. I was bashed and raped on the same day, and for the first time ever, I realised I didn’t have another round of this vicious cycle left in me. I started my 7-day detox that day entered the Transformations program from there.
Transformations has saved my life. It has given me hope, a hope for a better life, a hope for restoration and a chance at freedom from addiction.
Transformations has taught me that I can only own my behaviours and actions, and the rest isn’t my guilt and shame to take on. After 16 years of self-mutilation, I am now no longer cutting or using. I now have a different type of integrity, a brand-new relationship with a God who loves me and friends who value and respect me. Life can only be up from here. My main goal is to continue fighting for my life and maintain sobriety until I can be reunited with my eldest daughter and maintain building the relationship with my youngest daughter.
I am currently volunteering as a Resident Leader at Transformations and have enrolled to study Youth Work. I’m grateful that I can build a new life, and for the first time, I have real hope for my future.
